Though many cities and towns have slowly begun to open up, almost nothing feels “normal”. This pandemic has pulled back the curtain and revealed just how delicate our infrastructure really is in America. Both our physical needs – supply chains, local government structures, the ability to provide struggling families with food, shelter and financial assistance. And our emotional needs – systems to support mental health for all populations in America.
The daily onslaught of uncertainty, grief, financial instability, food scarcity, isolation, anger, and thousands of other emotions is traumatic. When so much is happening so fast, it is hard for our brains to cope. (Remember our brains didn’t evolve with the speed of scope of social media in mind). Our emotional stores and physical stores seemed to be running on empty.
It is hard on a normal day in America where diet culture and diet talk runs rampant, to work through your relationship with food and body, but add in food scarcity, loss of routine and increasing anxiety and working through disordered eating seems impossible. Not to mention, the explosion of America’s troubled relationship with food and exercise on social media. Fatphobic fears of “gaining weight during quarantine” or the pressure to use every minute of every day at home to “do something productive”. (As if surviving a pandemic isn’t productive).
All of this and the isolation of social distancing, is a perfect set up to develop or worsen a disordered relationship with food. People struggling with eating disorders before the pandemic already had these thoughts, ideas and fears playing on repeat in their minds. Now it looks like “proof” to our eating disorder selves that we were “right” to have all of these concerns. However, this is not true. Ratcheting up control of your food is a natural reaction to feeling a “loss of control”.
So, how do you handle all of this?
Connection is one of the best anecdotes. Connect with an eating disorder mental health professional. Connect with your family and friends in safe and responsible ways. Call people, write people, send smoke signals if you have to, but remember you are not alone in this. There are people who love you and want to support you, and they probably would benefit from your love and support too!
Decrease your social media – or be really strategic. The more time we spend alone the more time we spend scrolling. However, algorithms don’t care about your mental health. They care about “clickability”, so your feed is curated to show you things they know you’ll click, watch and like (which is often things that reinforce our fears and anxieties). So, clean up your social stream or detox from it all together. Be conscious of what you like, watch or share because the platform will show you more of that.
And if you take nothing else away from this please know you matter and you are not alone in this struggle. Millions of Americans, whether diagnosed with an eating disorder or not, are turning to disordered eating and disordered exercise habits to try and manage this traumatic event. Reach out, normalize and find someone you can talk to.
Covid-19 has not only brought about immense loss of life, thousands of loved ones gone too soon, but it has also restructured our daily lives and doled out a lot of disappointment, economic instability and pulled back the veil on several festering wounds in our societal structure. And the rapidity of all this change has left a lot of us reeling.
In a matter of months, this pandemic completely changed the way we operate within our society: working from home, masking up before entering buildings or standing on spacing dots at the grocery store, meetings, birthdays and holidays being held online, staring a people through plexiglass and face shields, and avoiding all close contact with anyone you’re not quarantining with. Not to mention, the cancellation of sports games, concerts, vacations, family reunions, summer camps and so many more events we were looking forward to.
Throughout all this change, I have watched the world grieve all of these losses. The stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) are everywhere throughout the national and global dialogue about this pandemic. It is important to note that the stages of grief are not linear for most people. Although grief is universal, the experience of grief is unique to the griever. Someone can experience all stages one minute, only to start back a denial later that night, while someone else may never get past denial.
So, what do you do?
1.)Try to name and identify the emotions that you are having. It can help lessen the impact once you shine light on your experience, but it might not go away.
2.)So, it is also important to allow the feeling you’re feeling. Pain, disappointment, grief, depression, are all part of the human experience and feeling them, though uncomfortable, can allow them to process.
3.)Develop a practice of self-compassion. Grief can be slippery and elusive to pin down, so we can sometimes feel like we’ve lost control. This can cause deep depression and sadness in some, while in others it produces a need to control more of their environment, body and life to produce a sense of security. Both are completely understandable reactions.
People often say “time heals grief”, but I haven’t found that to be true. Grief can often reformat the perception we have about the world, our mortality, and prioritize what truly matters to us. Whenever we experience loss, the word “forever” gets an updated definition.
Personally, I think of grief like a chain wrapped around a tree (stay with me here, I promise it’ll make sense). Loggers often leave the chains they use wrapped around trees in the woods. Overtime, that resilient tree grows around the chain, eventually consuming it entirely within it’s being.
Grief is that chain. In the beginning, the grief you experience is a very prominent part of your life. The hurt is constantly visible to you and maybe even to your loved ones around you. But over time, your life continues and you begin to grow around your grief. It doesn’t go away and you are forever altered, but it decreases in pain and prominence. And because you are resilient, it may be a beautiful driving force for you to cherish the life you do have and prioritize the things most important to you.
Grief is hard, but can be a powerful facilitator of change.
I’m sitting in the same coffee shop where I spent hours upon hours staring at my computer screen, often stuck on a sentence or a concept. It’s a cold snowy winter morning, the chill hitting my face each time the door opens and closes. I’m right back where I was in late 2018, staring at my computer screen, mind hijacked. I check social media, I check email, I do anything possible to not pick up my pencil.
Each time I think of blogging or journaling my brain shuts down or wants to distract me to do something else (I cannot tell you how many levels of Tetris I’ve mastered in the past few months!). A friend said to me the other day: “well, that’s a trauma response for ya.”
While writing a book fits into a minor form of trauma, my brain may register the idea of picking up my pen and paper the same way as it would returning to the scene of a traumatic experience such as an assault or a car accident. The neurons in my brain are firing in an idential way: danger, alert, potential harm!
My experience writing and then publishing my book in 2019 delved deep into vulnerable and insecure territory at times. My perfectionist reared her forceful head quite a bit and I felt like completing the manuscript incurred comparable pain and patience as being in labor and giving birth to my daughter did 🙂
However, I’m back here over a year later revisiting my old friend: the written word.
I can’t help but think about how this feels similar to re-engaging in eating disorder recovery after some time away from it or after a lapse.
A plethora of shame, guilt, embarrassment and negative self talk can surface during the recovery process. The eating disorder voice may notice that you are struggling and try to pull you back into its deep, dark grip.
I recently had a client tearfully share “I’m so afraid of acknowledging that I’ve made progress because I fear the ED raging up and trying to get me back to the miserable place I was.”
I assured her that there is no way she could go all the way back in the trenches, as she has developed a well of self-awareness and strength that can never dry up.
Perhaps you can relate? Maybe you have felt yourself slip in your recovery and are too ashamed to call your therapist or admit this to your partner. Significant life transitions such as moving to a new house or state, getting married, having a child, relationship changes such as divorce, or a losing a pet or family member are times when one is more vulnerable to the age-old coping mechanism of disordered eating to resurface.
Just as I have sat down to write this because I know deep down that writing is a part of my being that I do not want to abandon, I am certain that you can take one step to coming back to your recovery.
What entails one step? (and yes, that’s all you need to do!):
Calling your therapist or searching for a therapist
Telling your partner, mother, daughter or friend that you are struggling
Acknowledging that recovery is HARD and that lapses are normal
Re-engaging in a recovery-focused activity such as writing, reading or mindful walks
Throwing out anything that reminds you of your ED: the scale, your “eating disorder clothes”, magazines or images that trigger you
……what do you have to add?
I’m not going to promise that I’m fully ready to write regularly again. Writing this was a mixture of pleasure and resistance. However, I can assure you that as I remind myself that my mind always (always!) tells me that vulnerable experiences will be harder than they truly are, I will gradually invite myself to come back to my writing. With ZERO expectations, contracts, timelines, or deadlines 🙂
Your recovery is your own. Try giving yourself the same grace to go about it at your pace and style as we all know that it won’t be sustainable unless it’s born of yourwell of resiliency.
Navigating the Muddy Waters of Becoming an Author as a Recovering Perfectionist…And how to actually get it DONE
For years, I’ve taken numerous writing classes, joined writer’s meet-up groups, interviewed local authors and submitted writing samples and essays to blogs for consideration. Putting the steps in motion to becoming a published author was relatively easy; actually sitting down and writing a book (though my life-long dream), now that’s another story.
I don’t know about you, but for almost as long as I can remember, when I have something I dream of doing – personally or professionally – there’s a quiet yet sturdy voice in my head that whispers: ‘but you’re not good enough’; or, ‘it’ll never be perfect so why try?’.
Maybe you can relate?
This voice has been lurking my whole professional career, rearing up as I muster up the courage to take any new leap or challenge. It definitely was loud in my ear as I spoke at a national conference in 2017, the majority of my presentation speaking about my very personal experiences with an eating disorder, fertility challenges, and shame. BOY did I have a vulnerability hangover for a few days after that.
Once I was able to get my head out from my self-imposed, self-scheduled hiding under my covers, I was able to open my eyes to the flood of positive and warm feedback I received about my presentation. People I knew, as well as people I didn’t know, began inviting me in to their own vulnerabilities, some sharing stories similar to mine.
Then one day I opened my inbox to see an email from an editor at a major publishing company in New York. “I was in the audience at your presentation. Would you consider writing a book for us on the topic of eating disorders, fertility and shame? There is a huge need for this.”
My heart skipped a beat. Several beats. My vulnerability hangover suddenly felt worth it. I followed the publisher’s steps to create a proposal and submit it. It was accepted and I was given a one-year deadline to write this book. I was terrified and had no idea where to begin.
My first step was to hire a writing coach to hold me accountable and keep me writing. But she wasn’t going to write it for me, and my inner perfectionist kept me in a frozen state of panic for several weeks. Every week where I didn’t write anything I got more and more self-critical. I knew all of the “steps” of how to start writing, from morning pages to structured question and response style. Nothing worked and my critic told me “see? You’re a phony. You can’t do this.” It reminded me of my old eating disorder voice, the voice who told me I would never recover, that I couldn’t start a private practice and be successful, the voice that tries to keep me in a box.
Deep, deep, down, a whisper, which grew stronger and louder at each quip of the critic: “PROVE IT”.
And I did. I was juggling many things – my two-year-old daughter, my career, a home renovation, a thriving practice. You might think I was crazy; I might not question you on that. Each week I plugged along, writing from my heart. And I finally made it. On January 1, 2019, I hit “submit” and sent off my manuscript. I promptly hid under my covers for a few days after that.
Do you have a writing dream? Here are a few tools that I found helped me reach my deadline…imperfectly.
How to Reach Your Writing Deadline as a Perfectionist
1.)Do not read any of your competitor’s or other authors of the same field’s books.
This was my strategy, it might not be yours. I knew that my inner perfectionist LOVES to compare myself to others and she pretty much always comes up with the same conclusion: you’re not as good as that person. You’re not as good of a writer, academic, storyteller….etc etc etc (blah blah blah!). As part of my proposal writing process, I needed to evaluate the field of eating disorder and fertility books and see what else was out there that would be similar to my book. I did this, and then I didn’t read them It helped me focus on my process which was unique to me.
2.) Have someone else read it, too.
One of the biggest reasons that I hired a writing coach was so that I didn’t have to be the only one to read my writing. I knew inherently that I would be self-critical and not see it completely objectively (what author can?) and I would most likely self-sabotage if I didn’t have other, experienced, eyes on it. My coach, Amy Collette of Unleash Your Inner Author, asked me tons of questions, reminded me that I was doing a good job, kept me going when I wanted to avoid, and corrected my writing style if it went awry. Other than my husband, she was my biggest cheerleader and pushed me so that I continued despite times of self-doubt.
3.) Find a place you love to write and write there every day (or occasion)
For me, I finally got my rhythm when I found a cozy spot (not my office, not my home) where I felt comfortable to write. This was St. Mark’s Coffeehouse in Denver, where I was several times a week. It might be somewhere else for you, but find your spot. Put in your favorite non-distracting music (classical jazz for me) and plug away. Give yourself a break every 20-30 minutes. My brain cannot focus in intense writing capacity for longer than that, and it helped to stretch my legs, look at my phone, and then get back to it. Plus, the baristas got to know me quite well and then I could chat with them 🙂
I also took a sabbatical to a remote cabin in the woods without any distraction and wrote for three straight days. This may not be possible for you, but if you can find a quiet spot away from regular life I highly encourage it. AND have a stopping time and stick to it!
4.) Have a deadline, even if it’s your own.
It was fortunate that I had a deadline imposed by my publisher (while they said it was flexible, I chose to not listen to that). I work best with a deadline and even if my inner perfectionist yells at me each day or week I’m not writing. I did procrastinate somewhat, but it helped me to know that I had a date that I needed to be done by. I was so relieved by that, knowing it would be over/done at some point. If you are your own publisher/coach, set a date and put it in writing. Tell people about it, and ask them to hold you to it. (sidenote: if you need to extend your deadline, THAT IS OKAY!)
So, these are my words of thought. They are not perfect, nor am I. I am a firsttime author and still have so much to learn. But if you struggle with the same type of things I have, I hope my story can help and that you may find within yourself the knowledge that you can DO IT TOO! If I can, you can. 🙂
My book, The Clinical Guide to Fertility, Motherhood and Eating Disorders: From Shame to Self-Acceptance is coming out July 22, 2019! PRE – ORDER MY BOOK HERE
Other authors, perfectionists: Anything else you want to offer?
Late last year I received news that I thought was only the stuff that dreams were made of: I had procured a contract with a large publishing company to write a book! (what?!?)
Ever since I learned to write, I’ve been concocting stories, poems, journal entries, manifestos — pretty much any form of writing that I could get my hands on. After grad school (where there was no shortage of writing assignments!) I channeled this mostly into my blog entries, which serve somewhat of a journal as well as a way to get to know me professionally.
And now I get to do it in the biggest way possible! Holy crap!
I haven’t written much publicly about my infertility and pregnancy loss that I experienced in 2014, but that is about to change in a big way so I’d better get comfortable with it (or at least get used to sitting with the anxiety). My upcoming book will be published in 2019 and is entitled “The Clinical Guide to Fertility, Motherhood and Eating Disorders: From Shame to Self-Acceptance“. It is a mix of personal stories (including my own and many of my clients and other people I interviewed), research overviews and clinical tools for working with women who struggle with these issues.
I am writing this book for many reasons, but the primary one is that I would love to spread knowledge and resources about these issues so that other women may prevent or heal from the same struggles that I did.
When I was struggling to become pregnant after about 9 months I finally did conceive but then went on to suffer two miscarriages in a six month timespan. I plunged to deep depths of despair, pain, anger, and shame. I had thoughts like: “this is my fault. Because I had an eating disorder {over 10 years earlier}, I directly caused my body to not function in the way it should.” And “You’re a failure“.
Huge blanket statements that I know (and knew) to not be true, but they damned well felt true at the time, and came to me through such a mean and convincing voice in my head. . . much like the voice of my eating disorder all those years earlier.
I will never forget this time of my life. It rocked me to my core, and my husband and I were devastated by reoccurring pain. Loss after loss after loss.
Pushing Through the Pain
I have had two experiences in my life that I would say changed me in ways that I had never thought could be, and after both I was not the same. The first was recovering from my eating disorder and if you are reading this and know much about EDs, you know how hard that is. I fully believe that one can recover from an ED and give so much respect to anyone who commits themselves to do it (and also know how many ups and downs there can be in that process). But it is damn HARD.
The second was going through the infertility and losses that we endured and coming out the other side. I now have a healthy, headstrong, smart and adorable two year old daughter who I cherish each and every day. But the scars of what we endured are still there…and always will be.
I embrace my scars. My scars of my eating disorder. My scars of my fertility challenges. They make me who I am today and I wouldn’t at this point wish them to be any different. But there were days – weeks – years – where I wished my life was so different. Where I wished that I was not me.
Finding Hope
I am now on a writing journey to help others heal or accept their own scars, and I feel so good about doing this. I also feel anxious and overwhelmed sometimes. Can I do this? Do I have what it takes? Can I get out of my own way?
The answer is yes (I hope 🙂 )! Stay tuned for more on my book writing journey, which I already know will be yet another life-altering experience for me.
I am here today, writing to you, because I want to say to you that YOU CAN DO IT TOO. Whatever it is: trying out for the school play; asking a girl/guy on a date; starting your own business; calling up a therapist and getting help; applying to college; becoming a parent.
None if us knew we could do these things until we tried. So, I don’t have all of the answers but if I can be a place where you can turn to for encouragement to climb that mountain you are looking up, please reach out to me. I’m happy to be an email buddy or give you resounding moral support from afar. We are all in this together and together we will shine.
~
xo
Kate
PS: please feel free to share any challenges that you are overcoming or have overcome in the comments. It helps us all so much to hear of others’ bravery and resiliency!
Today I am honored to feature a guest voice on my blog! Ritta Shikwana is a Holistic Health Coach who helps people going through something she herself has recovered from — orthorexia.
Have you heard of orthorexia before? While not officially included in the DSM-V, it is a condition that is running rampant in our society today and has serious health effects. It is described as “an unhealthy obsession with healthy or ‘pure’ foods” that begins to get out of control, and takes over one’s life. Eventually food choices become so restrictive, in both variety and calories, that health suffers – an ironic twist for a person so completely dedicated to healthy eating.
Read on to hear about Ritta’s desire to get pregnant and have a family, and what she has learned about the way eating disorders can threaten the things we value the most.
Recovering my Period, my Body and my Life: A Story of Recovery from Orthorexia
Have you lost your period? Do you want to get pregnant and have a healthy pregnancy? Not long ago I used to desperately search the internet on how to get my period back. I had lost my period due to excessive exercise and struggling with orthorexia (click here to take a self test to see if you might have some of these behaviors too).
Not feeling womanly, not having a period and not being able to get pregnant caused me to have so much more stress than I needed.
Focusing on numbers like calories, macros, body fat percentage, BMI, what time of day I was allowed to eat etc, was driving me crazy. I quickly realized that my addiction to exercise and being orthorexic came from me not feeling like I was in control over my life. I realized it was really never about food, but mostly about control.
I thought that by controlling those numbers, I’d feel in control of my life. But it was really just an illusion. You never have control over your life when you’re controlling the food you’re eating. You’re actually letting exercise and food control and run your life instead. It’s a false sense of control that you gain from doing this.
Perfectionism and Control
At that time I was trying to be a perfectionist and also had a lot of masculine energy in me. It’s very IMPORTANT to have masculine energy, but when you’re trying to get your period back, do you see how important it is to have a feminine approach to it?
Consider asking yourself the following questions:
-Where in your life do you have an unhealthy or unbalanced relationship with control?
-In what area(s) can you allow yourself to begin letting go of control? Maybe it’s going to a restaurant without studying the menu a million times before you go? Maybe it’s by going for a nice walk instead of going to the gym? Or maybe it’s as simple as getting on your knees and praying to God?
I wanted to share this part with you because I never found this kind of information when I was trying to get my period back. Every article out there gave me general information, such as eat more, exercise less.
But I needed something deeper.
Something that told me that my eating disorder, my exercise addiction and my amenorrhea (loss of period) really had nothing to do with food, but with not being nourished in other areas of my life. It wasn’t until I understood this and put it into practice that I actually got my period back.
At the time I was trying to get my period back, it wasn’t because I wanted to get pregnant. But the idea of not being able to have kids sure stressed me out because I did want kids one day! Once I got my first period back I did everything I could to maintain it, but NOT in a controlling way.
I will say that I’m actually happy that I went through this. I’m glad I lost my period, because firstly it showed me how smart my body is (it wasn’t trusting me to feed it, so it shut off my reproductive system) and I would’ve never learned so much about myself and my body otherwise. Sometimes we have to go through rough and tough times, get a kind slap in the face in order to wake up and get out of our heads.
Once I regained my period I knew that it also meant that my body was starting to trust me again. It was trusting me to even get pregnant which I am today!
Along the way, I had to make some physical and mental gains. I had to work a lot on eating more, exercising less, managing stress, meditating, eliminating caffeine, sleeping more, gaining weight, and accepting my new and natural body size. I knew that having a six pack wasn’t going to help me get pregnant, so letting my belly grow and gain some extra fat was important in order for a healthy baby to grow in there.
Improving my Sleep Hygiene
Sleeping more has made a huge difference in my health. I went from 5-6 hours of poor quality sleep every night to about 7 hours of quality sleep. It wasn’t an easy process. Having a very low body fat percentage, an eating disorder and exercise addiction affected my sleep.
Gaining weight has helped me greatly in getting better sleep. But I also put other things into practice to help me sleep better. I created a sleep sheet that contains my favorite teas for relaxation, favorite bed time yoga routine and a couple of affirmations. You can download that here if sleep is something you struggle with. You can also watch this video where I share the best tips on how to get better sleep.
Feeding Ourselves Outside of the Plate
In order for us to regain our health to get pregnant, we can’t just focus on eating healthy.
We need to focus on feeding ourselves outside the plate. You can eat all the kale and broccoli in the world, but if you’re dissatisfied in other areas of your life you’ll find yourself relapsing and never feeling fulfilled. Mental health is just as important if not more important to work on than physical health.
One of the most important things I can tell you in order to regain your health is that no one in the world is smarter than your own body. You are your own best doctor. No one can tell you exactly what to eat, not eat, or how much you should work out.
Your body is the smartest bio computer, it knows exactly what it needs in order to feel its best. If you choose to listen to it, it’ll be the best thing you could do for your health. Just because a specific diet, a specific workout routine and a specific lifestyle works perfectly for someone else, it doesn’t mean it’ll work for you.
Listen to your body, make mistakes and through trial and error, and you’ll learn better lessons than any doctor/specialist can give you.
~~~
Ritta is a certified Holistic Health Coach from The Institute for Integrative Nutrition. Her mission is to help women develop a healthy relationship with food, their body and exercise. Because she overcame Orthorexia, Depression, Exercise Addiction and Amenorrhea, she now coaches women who are going through similar struggles. You can connect with Ritta on here website rawritta.com. And also connect on social media at YouTube, Instagram, Facebook
Owning my Humanness: How My Postpartum Body Image Journey Challenged Me to Open Up Even Further
by Kate Daigle, LPC
Therapists Are Humans Too!
I remember being 18 years old and sitting in my therapist’s office, looking at her sitting across the room from me and thinking to myself “she must be perfect. She must not have any of the problems that I have to be in her position.”
This was the first therapist I was truly connected to, the one who supported me during the most crucial times of my eating disorder recovery. I put her on a pedestal and idolized her. This, of course, was something we processed and worked through and I grew to understand what was going on inside of me that projected these concepts on to her.
She was not, of course, perfect. She shared just enough with me for me to finally get that. Though I will admit that when I learned she also had faults, I was both relieved (“I can be imperfect too”), and devastated.
I was trying to heal a broken part of myself and I had the idea that if I found someone who had it “all together”, then I could be that too someday. So when I found out this was not possible, I experienced devastating loss which blossomed into a beautiful state of freedom and acceptance.
I have learned through my own recovery and also through my work as a therapist now that there is no such thing as “having it all together”. And if there was, it would be boring and unrealistic.
Often, the conversation comes up with my own clients that I am not perfect, I struggle with things, and that it is okay if they do too.
Breaking Down the Barriers to Connection
It feels to me sometimes that those of us in the helping profession — whether it be doctors, nurses, dentists, social workers, therapists, etc – are held to a standard that we need to uphold. That we must be the models of valor and the experts in our field. That we must not have faults. That has at times to me felt a little bit suffocating, like we can’t be human too.
Granted, I fully believe in and respect that we do have an ethical responsibility to help others in the best way we can. We are put in a position of power in our relationships with our clients of which we must always be attuned.
But we must have shadows too. We must show some degree of humanness. This is how we connect most authentically with those who turn to us for help.
It would be like expecting your dentist to never get a cavity (I know I have wondered about this myself), or for your hairstylist to always have the most hip and perfect looking hair. What if your doctor gets sick or breaks an arm? What does that mean for our concept of what a doctor “should” be?
A recent post from Jenni Schaefer, author of the bestselling book Life Without Ed, inspired me to delve more into this topic. She wrote:
“We are real people just like everyone else. How we feel about our bodies, what we eat and why, and how we react to family and friends varies from time to time. Yes, we have learned, as other professionals, to strive for balance. But, sometimes, the expectation is for us to have a so-called perfect balance of “mental and physical being.” Really?! Who decided that?!”
My Postpartum Body Image Journey
This has been on my mind more regularly as of late because I have been going through some of my own body image struggles. At times I have looked at parts of my body with judgment instead of love. This is when I know I need to check in with myself to see what else is going on.
I have had the thought: “I help others heal from body image issues and learn to love and accept themselves on a daily basis; how could I struggle with this too? Am I an imposter?”
I know this is not true. I know that by being aware of and owning my own humanness and imperfection, I am more available to support others in their own healing. But a little voice in my head sometimes likes to jump in and place doubt.
I had a baby 18 months ago and my body is different than it was prior to pregnancy. This is true for every woman who has a baby, and yet it feels like we need to “get our body back” (whatever that means) as soon as possible.
People, my body GREW A HUMAN. And then fed it for over a year after giving birth to it. Isn’t that the most beautiful thing you can possibly imagine? So, why is there so much shaming of women’s bodies?? Ugh, I’m so sick if it.
My experience loving my postpartum body has been one of the most raw, real, and healing processes that I have ever had.
Part of loving my body now is also about redefining who I am as a woman in my various roles. I am now a mother; I am also a wife, a business owner, a daughter, a sister, and many other things. I am not the same person as I was before becoming a mother. I’m stronger…deeper. I’m still learning (not sure that ever stops).
And just as my body is different, it’s stronger too because of its journey.
I’m choosing to embrace that. Even if that annoying little critic voice shows up from time to time.
That is okay. I choose kindness over judgment.
I hope that anyone who can relate to my story can also choose this for themselves. We are all a work in progress. Please SHARE this post or comment if this speaks to you too!
Today I am honored to feature the voice of Christie Sears Thompson on my blog! Christie is a prominent Child, Couples, and Family Therapist with Trade Winds Therapy & Relationship Coaching in Wheat Ridge, Colorado. She is also a mom, wife, and recovering perfectionist. Christie specializes in helping new and young families find balance and harmony in their lives and relationships.
I had the pleasure of being a guest blogger on Christie’s blog last month — check out my post about how to maintain a strong relationship with your partner during the first year of your baby’s life and some real-life snapshots from the trenches of my own experience with this 🙂
Christie is one of the therapists I partner with and turn to when discussing pregnancy, postpartum and new parenthood topics and today she is discussing a very important topic that many of us have some connection with…
Is It the Baby Blues or Am I Feeling Something Deeper? A Look Into Postpartum Mood Disorders
by Christie Sears Thompson
Some people will tell you that the first year of marriage is the hardest on your relationship. I would argue that it’s the first year (at least) of your child’s life that brings much more conflict and struggle into a marriage. Of course, there are wonderful things about bringing a baby into the world. But it also has many challenges.
Introducing a child into your family is one of the most stressful transitions a couple will experience. Not only are you sleep deprived, being peed and pooped on, screamed at, and physically exhausted, but if you add in serious conditions like postpartum depression (PPD) or postpartum anxiety (PPA), it can be an almost unbearable time of life.
Postpartum Depression
You may have postpartum depression if you have had a baby within the last 12 months and are experiencing some of these symptoms:
You feel overwhelmed. Not like “hey, this new mom thing is hard.” More like “I can’t do this and I’m never going to be able to do this.” You feel like you just can’t handle being a mother. In fact, you may be wondering whether you should have become a mother in the first place.
You feel guilty because you believe you should be handling new motherhood better than this. You feel like your baby deserves better. You worry whether your baby can tell that you feel so bad, or that you are crying so much, or that you don’t feel the happiness or connection that you thought you would. You may wonder whether your baby would be better off without you.
You don’t feel bonded to your baby. You’re not having that mythical mommy bliss that you see on TV or read about in magazines. Not everyone with postpartum depression feels this way, but many do.
You can’t understand why this is happening. You are very confused and scared.
You feel irritated or angry. You have no patience. Everything annoys you. You feel resentment toward your baby, or your partner, or your friends who don’t have babies. You feel out-of-control rage.
You feel nothing. Emptiness and numbness. You are just going through the motions.
You may have postpartum anxiety or postpartum OCD if you have had a baby within the last 12 months and are experiencing some of these symptoms:
Your thoughts are racing. You can’t quiet your mind. You can’t settle down. You can’t relax.
You feel like you have to be doing something at all times. Cleaning bottles. Cleaning baby clothes. Cleaning the house. Doing work. Entertaining the baby. Checking on the baby.
You are worried. Really worried. All. The. Time. Am I doing this right? Will my husband come home from his trip? Will the baby wake up? Is the baby eating enough? Is there something wrong with my baby that I’m missing? No matter what anyone says to reassure you, it doesn’t help.
You may be having disturbing thoughts. Thoughts that you’ve never had before. Scary thoughts that make you wonder whether you aren’t the person you thought you were. They fly into your head unwanted and you know they aren’t right, that this isn’t the real you, but they terrify you and they won’t go away. These thoughts may start with the words “What if …”
You are afraid to be alone with your baby because of scary thoughts or worries. You are also afraid of things in your house that could potentially cause harm, like kitchen knives or stairs, and you avoid them like the plague.
You may feel the need to check things constantly. Did I lock the door? Did I lock the car? Did I turn off the oven? Is the baby breathing?
You may be having physical symptoms like stomach cramps or headaches, shakiness or nausea. You might even have panic attacks.
Even without the challenge of PPD or PPA, many couples have decreased satisfaction and increased conflict in their relationship after the birth of their baby. Research by Drs. John and Julie Gottman of The Gottman Institute proves that nearly 66% of all new parents report they are unhappy post-baby. Sadly, many couples power through it without support and may even end up dissolving their relationship. There is additional research stating that couples wait an average of seven years to get the help they need through counseling. By then, the conflict has become so hurtful and ingrained in their pattern of communication that it is too late for a large portion of these families to recover.
Add a mental illness complication to this equation and the terrain becomes more precarious. PPD and PPA are sometimes referred to as “baby blues”, but when the symptoms do not lessen after a few weeks, it may be time to reevaluate how to care for a parent who is struggling. PPD and PPA can affect either parent, not just the parent who gave birth. Symptoms may not even be present immediately. It’s important to keep an eye on both partners’ moods, communication patterns, reactions, and behaviors in the first 12-18 months post-baby.
Remember that help is always available as well. Contact family or friends for support, a babysitter who can give the parents a break, a professional counselor who is trained to help guide parents through this tough life transition, or a trusted physician who can medically evaluate and possibly prescribe medications.
Above all: there is no shame in reaching out. It truly takes a village not only to raise a child, but a family.There is danger in putting 100% of the focus on the child. Parental self-care and relationship-care are crucial in child rearing to develop and nurture a healthy family.
Christie Sears Thompson, MA, MFTC is a Child, Couples, and Family Therapist with Trade Winds Therapy & Relationship Coaching in Wheat Ridge, Colorado. She is also a mom, wife, and recovering perfectionist. Christie specializes in helping new and young families find balance and harmony in their lives and relationships. She can be reached at www.tradewindstherapy.com or you can follow her blog here: www.tradewindstherapy.com/blog
The lens through which we perceive our life means everything.
We can see it through color, or we can see it through darkness and despair.
Has this ever happened to you?
You wake up one day and see that most things are out of place: the coffee stain on your white shirt that happened yesterday isn’t coming out, your dog/child is sick for the umpteenth time, you snap at your partner and can’t really figure out why, and you look in the mirror and only focus on the bags underneath your eyes. Your mind might wander in its tired and overwhelmed state: “if only I had {this house}, {this career}, {this income} {this family}, then it wouldn’t feel so bad.”
Then you open your social media account and see photos of smiling faces peering out at you from the top of a snow-capped mountain, or trapezing through the streets of Barcelona and you can’t remember the last time you left the state for vacation. There are photos of a friend’s newborn child, which just seem to dig you deeper into a hole of sadness as you compare their family to yours.
The Slippery Slope of Comparison
You start to slip into the Comparison Monster coma, and can’t help yourself from scrolling and scrolling and just feeling worse and worse. “Their life must be so much easier, and so much more joyful than mine.” In my office I’ve heard so many times: “I just need to lose those last ten pounds. Then I’d love myself!”
This is a recipe for despair, depression, and self-pity. I’ve been there, and you might have been too.
The truth is, we don’t know and can’t know what it’s like to be in anyone else’s shoes, and assuming that they must have a ‘perfect life’ just leads for us to suffer more. No one has a ‘perfect life’, everyone feels pain, loss, joy, and the plethora of emotions that we are capable of feeling and that is what makes us human. We grow and learn from these emotions. We create connections and love from feeling ALL of the emotions.
As one of my favorite researchers, Brene Brown says: “We can’t select which emotions we want to feel. If we don’t want to feel pain, we can’t feel love or joy either.”
How we cope with life’s ups and downs can have a significant impact on our mental health, and it is something we have a choice about!
The Four Agreements as a Guide to Self-Acceptance
Recently I had the opportunity to hear Don Miguel Ruiz and his sons speak. Don Miguel is the author of The Four Agreements, which is a reknowned book offering insight into “the source of self-limiting beliefs that rob us of joy and create needless suffering”. The gentleness and wisdom of his spirit reverberated throughout the room and it was easy to understand why he has become such a powerful force.
He outlines Four Agreements which can help us find more peace in our lives, even if they are messy and imperfect.
1st Agreement: Be Impeccable With Your Word
“When you are impeccable, you take responsibility for your actions, but you do not judge or blame yourself.”
2nd Agreement: Don’t Take Anything Personally
“Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves.”
3rd Agreement: Don’t Make Assumptions
“The way to keep yourself from making assumptions is to ask questions. Make sure the communication is clear. If you don’t understand, ask. Have the courage to ask questions until you are as clear as you can be.”
4th Agreement: Always Do Your Best
Under any circumstance, always do your best, no more and no less. But keep in mind that your best is never going to be the same from one moment to the next. Everything is alive and changing all the time, so your best will sometimes be high quality, and other times it will not be as good.”
(Source: The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz)
This does not mean never making a mistake or feeling pain, but living your life authentically, honestly, and mindfully. He states: “The first step toward personal freedom is awareness. We need to be aware that we are not free in order to be free. We need to be aware of what the problem is in order to solve the problem.”
How the Agreements Can Help You Find Self-Acceptance
Here are just a few of the ways that these Agreements have helped me as well as some of my clients:
Boundaries
Often times when we are not being mindful of our boundaries, we can become more reactive and less present, which can lead to feeling overwhelmed and suffering.
I know that when I take on others’ emotions too deeply, that I have some tending to do of my own needs and feelings. The 2nd Agreement has guided me to try to define what is mine and what is not mine and to not take things too personally.
Self-Care and Self-Assurance
The 4th agreement has encouraged my clients to learn about who they are, what matters to them, and to do their best to live their lives in alignment with those values. If I have a value of honesty and then I am dishonest with my partner, I am going to suffer and potentially my relationships will as well because of this. Doing my best means knowing and accepting who I am and knowing that I have a lot to offer. So do you!
Connection and Closeness
The 3rd Agreement offers the opportunity to ask questions from a place of openness. Assumptions only cut us off from the world, from support, and from creating close relationships. When we make assumptions we are doing so from a place of deeper pain. Open and clear communication with ourselves and with our support system helps us stay present and non-judgmental.
How can you use the Four Agreements to help guide yourself to recognize the gifts and strengths you possess in your own life?
