When I woke up this morning, my entire business had disappeared. Literally. My website had vanished, and my business email account had been wiped clean.
It started as a moment of disbelief — I had just finished revamping my site and had thousands of important documents, emails, and connections all hosted through that central technological system. Then it came to a place of bargaining — okay, what I do is not based on my website,
I am the core foundation of my business and the avenue through which people find healing and recovery. However, my website is the primary method that people searching for recovery find me and begin their healing process. Can I get it back if I promise to not obsess over it so much?
Maybe the universe was sending me a message? As the morning wore on and the sense of panic began to rise up inside of me, other events occurred that were out of my control, were difficult for me to grasp, and left me feeling helpless and disoriented.
Sitting at my computer looking at the blank screen, I had a thought:
“What am I needing to listen to right now that I am not hearing?”.
I am currently quite intrigued by the concept of
‘non-attachment’. This is for several reasons, one being out of curiosity because a great deal of the way I work with clients in counseling is through the lens of attachment and safety in our relationships. So why would we study non-attachment? Does that mean isolating and disengaging from connection?
recent blog post on interconnectivity vs. codependence asks the question: ‘How do we balance the innate need for autonomy with the desire for connection and intimacy? We not only enjoy feeling wanted and appreciated but need to have a purpose.’
I discovered that non-attachment doesn’t mean disengaging from ourselves or others. It means finding the balance in our relationships so that we are able to maintain a safe and secure connection to our own innate sense of self while also being connected to others in a meaningful and sustaining way.
This struck me this morning as I considered my attachments to relationships in my life and the way those relationships make me feel: my relationship with my husband, my family, my body, my work, and to myself.
I realized that this situation that I had no control over — the crash of the server that hosts all of my accounts — offered an opportunity to look at how I attach myself to these things that are important to me, but that I may place too much merit on sometimes.
One thought kept swirling around: am I codependent with my work?
As someone who has so much personal passion and experience that led me into the line of work that I currently practice, of course I am attached to it! And I feel that can be a huge asset. However, as in all things, it can be sometimes challenging to find a healthy and sane balance between myself and my work. I have to remember that I am not my work. But it is a part of me and I care about it deeply.
Work (like food, alcohol, drugs, sex, etc) can be another distraction from the wound that I most desperately need to address: the relationship I have with myself.
Amidst the tremors and hyperventilating that occurred every time I looked at my computer, I forced myself to shut it down and to take a step outside. Here is the mantra I repeated to myself and what I did:
take a moment to look around you
surround yourself with the beauty of the earth
breathe it in
the flowers the animals the blades of grass the bright blue sky
notice the energy that fills you with panic, dread, fear, anxiety, hopelessness, worry, anger
notice the thoughts that fill your mind. . . the negativity, the self-judgment and judgment of others
be kind to it
imagine that energy flowing out through your hands and your feet
be mindful as it leaves your body
breathe, let the negativity, the judgment, the suffering leave you
accept what you cannot change, allow what you can
imagine an orb of white brilliant light engulfing your heart
touch it, feel it, let the warmth of this light fill you
this is your center, your soul
let the light fill your whole body, breathe into it
allow your awareness to fill with the sights, sounds, sensory gifts that surround you
imagine an openness to all that can be, allow the struggle to melt away
and experience calm.
I spent an hour in City Park, my oasis. After doing this meditation, I felt a renewed sense of connectivity to myself, and a peaceful acceptance of the way things are. I also knew that it would all be okay.
I am hopeful that this meditation and my vulnerability can be of some support to you. We all have days, weeks, months where we don’t feel ourselves, or notice something tugging us to look deeper. Look at your attachments. How safe and healthy do they feel to you? Where can you practice non-attachment?