Sunday is Father’s Day, a day that brings many families together to celebrate the value and gifts of fathers.  This may be the first Father’s Day for a new dad, or it may be a yearly occasion of togetherness for a grandfather and his children and grandchildren.  It also can be a time of reflection, loss, and mixed emotions as many fathers and children come to terms with the separation they have with each other.  An article in today’s Denver Post describes the increasing challenges and diversifying roles that American fathers inhabit in today’s modern society.  The statistics are staggering:  nearly one half of the country’s fathers under age 45 state that they have had at least one child out of wedlock.  The percentage of fathers living separately from their children is nearly double what it was just a few years ago.  Why is this?

First, I think it bears meaning to look at what we expect from families these days and traditionally.  We are no longer a society of traditional families in the form of father, wife, 2.5 children, a golden retriever and a white picket fence.  Today, families are formed in such diverse capacities that each individual person defines family in his or her own unique way.  A client once told me that she considers family to be not so much along blood-lines, but to be those people whom she has met on various walks of life that have shown her trust, honesty, love, and acceptance.  Same-sex families are increasingly becoming more prevalent in society, as well as mixed-generation families all living under the same roof.

So what role does the father have in the family these days?  The answer is complex.  With the economic woes that we continue to experience, many adults — women and men alike — are working not only one but two or three jobs in order to put food on the table.  The “breadwinner” is traditionally thought to be the father, while the mother stays at home with the children.  This is changing as gender roles blur lines, but men feel even more pressure than before to provide for their families as times get tougher.

According to the Pew study cited in the article, men who struggle to provide monetary assistance to their families often become stressed and absent, leading to estrangement from children.

Beth Latshaw, an assistant sociology professor at Appalachian State University who researches changing paternal roles pointed to an economic advantage for college graduates hired at companies with better benefits and family-friendly policies, contrasted with the situation for the larger ranks of low-wage workers.

“As a result, many women now raise children outside of marriage or without a father figure,” Latshaw said.

An interesting point in the article underlines that “as we approach Father’s Day, it becomes more and more apparent that our most valuable and solemn role is to provide childcare to our offspring.”  But as more and more children grow up without a father, families and communities become changed as a result.  President Obama has been one of the biggest advocates for fathers’ presence in their children’s lives and often cites how it impacted his own life to have a father who left him at a young age.  Every Father’s Day, Obama takes special care to highlight the importance of fathers and this year he is focusing his attention on Latino families and men in the military who get to spend limited time with their children.

Education and responsibility for fathers of all ethnicities and socioeconomic classes are paths for healing rifts with children, Obama stresses.  Here is a video from his speech on this day last year:

As we approach this symbolic day, I want to recognize the love that fathers and children share for one another.  There may be economic, financial, and relational struggles that keep fathers and children apart, but these do not have to change the way that fathers and children bond with one another.  Having an absent father, or being a father who cannot be near his children can spark resentment, depression, stress, and anger.  Hold on to the hope of reuniting with your loved one if he/she is far away, and cherish memories that you once had with your father or child.

Read more:Modern fathers face changing roles, says Pew study – The Denver Posthttp://www.denverpost.com/nationworld/ci_18284171#ixzz1PSa3zmCG

A woman meets up with some friends at a local restaurant and one of her friends that she has not seen in a while compliments her on her radiant skin.  The woman recoils and exclaims: “you’ve got to be kidding!  My skin is splotchy and pale; I could barely cover it up enough.”  Have you ever had this reaction to a compliment or any type of comment on your appearance?  For many, it is difficult to accept praise about how you look due to modesty and sometimes self-esteem issues.  But for millions of other women and men (1-2% of the world’s population), it is nearly impossible to get dressed in the morning because they “feel too ugly to go out in the world”.  A little-known but destructive disorder, Body Dysmorphic Disorder challenges the ability to function daily for those affected by body image issues, eating disorders, and any other type of mind-body disconnect.  When does it cross the line from self-consciousness to life-altering body distortion?

What is Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD)?  BDD is a psychological somatoform disorder in which the affected person is excessively concerned about and preoccupied by a perceived defect in his or her physical features and body image.  People affected by BDD may focus on one or several specific body parts or features, or he or she may experience a general sense of distress about their physical appearance.  This can lead to (or already be connected to) other psychological issues such as depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and social isolation.  Sometimes referred to as “imagined ugliness“, BDD can severely diminish the quality of life of the affected individual and the person’s perception of his/her body part can feel very real to that person.

What are the effects of BDD?  Lowered self-esteem, obsession over the body part/feature, and consistent attempts to “fix” that body part through cosmetic or plastic surgery can be results of this disorder.  But most of these attempts only bring on further emotional pain.  According to the criteria in the upcoming fifth version of the diagnostic manual for mental health disorders, to be diagnosed with BDD a person must fulfill the following criteria:

• Preoccupation with an imagined or slight defect in appearance. If a slight physical anomaly is present, the person’s concern is markedly excessive.
• The preoccupation causes clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.
• The preoccupation is not better accounted for by another mental disorder (e.g., dissatisfaction with body shape and size in Anorexia Nervosa).

One of the most distressing impacts of BDD is how alone the person can feel who is suffering from the disorder.  When others do not see or believe that the “defect” is valid, the person can feel misunderstood, alone, and as if he or she is different from everyone else.  Social isolation can intensify the feelings of being “ugly” or “separate” and can be linked to methods of self-harm as a soothing mechanism — and also as a form of self-punishment.  Eating disorder and cutting behaviors typically link to a distorted body image, and when paired with BDD, these conditions can spiral out of control and potentially be deadly.  Bulimia nervosa and anorexia nervosa can be qualified with feeling fat when in fact the person may be grossly underweight (more common in anorexia than bulimia).  Losing weight and changing one’s physical appearance ultimately have the same goal: to find happiness with oneself, albeit in a dangerous and distorted manner.  Therapy can help people with BDD and eating disorders find that the happiness they are looking for is not physical, but inner acceptance of his or herself as their naturally beautiful selves.

The most common areas of concern for people with BDD include:

• Skin imperfections — These include wrinkles, scars, acne, and blemishes.
• Hair — This might include head or body hair or absence of hair.
• Facial features — Very often this involves the nose, but it also might involve the shape and size of any feature.

Symptoms may include:

• Engaging in repetitive and time-consuming behaviors, such as looking in a mirror, picking at the skin, and trying to hide or cover up the defect
• Constantly asking for reassurance that the defect is not visible or too obvious
• Repeatedly measuring or touching the defect
• Experiencing problems at work or school, or in relationships due to the inability to stop focusing about the defect
• Feeling self-conscious and not wanting to go out in public, or feeling anxious when around other people
• Repeatedly consulting with medical specialists, such as plastic surgeons or dermatologists, to find ways to improve his or her appearance.

How is BDD treated?  Art therapy can inspire healing.  One creative way to realistically see the self includes having the affected person draw on a large piece of paper how they envision their body to look.  Then, have the person lay on the paper inside of their outline, and draw how the person actually looks.  This is often an eye-opening experience to see that the focus of BDD is in reality not as ugly or fat as the person thinks it is in their minds.  Other helpful therapeutic approaches include somatic and body-centerered psychotherapy as well as psychoanalytic therapy that looks at some aspects such as early trauma or neglect that may have triggered BDD.

Here is a video that depicts what it feels like to live with this disorder:

It is no little known fact that eating disorders are the number one most deadly psychiatric illness in the world today.  This is significantly due to the emotional turmoil and devestation that these illnesses wreak on victims and their families, but the severity of eating disorders’ effects is directly related to the physical implications of these disorders.  I have written before about the increasing dangers of varying forms of eating disorders:  morning anorexia, night eating syndrome, binge eating disorder, and orthorexia.  Now, another relatively “new” form of eating disorder is becoming more prominent and it is most scary because it is linked with diabetes, a physical condition that can severely impact your life.  The toxic concoction of an eating disorder and diabetes can spin recklessly out of control.

What is diabulimia?  Diabulimia refers to an eating disorder that is present in people with Type I Diabetes, in which the person purposely gives him or herself less insulin than they need for the intent of weight loss.  And while diabulimia is not a term that is medically or clinically recognized in an official sense, the dangers of this type of eating disorder will most likely make it a focus of clinical attention in years to come.  By not administering insulin, the body of a person with diabetes will go into a state of starvation resulting in the breakdown of fats and muscles in the body and putting the person in a state where he or she cannot process sugars — so that the sugars are passed through urine instead of being stored in the body in the form of fat or muscle.  Continual insulin-deprival results in rapid weight loss and puts the body in a state called diabetic ketoacidosis — a life-treatening condition.

One of the reasons that diabulimia is so dangerous and also so enticing at the same time for those prone to eating disordered behavior is the fact that it can result it very rapid weight loss.  It can seem like “having your cake and eating it too” (pun intended!):  you could eat as many fats, sugars, carbohydrates, and other delicious foods as you would like, and not gain any weight.  What a dream! Right? Wrong.  While the body is not storing fats and sugars during a state of diabetic shock, it is also starving the person’s cells of glucose which is needed to produce energy and forcing the body to turn to other tissues in the body for energy sources.  Dr. Ann E. Goebel-Fabbri, a psychologist in Boston, states that “about 30% of diabetic women use insulin restriction for weight loss purposes at some point in their lives, though this does not necessarily mean that they have a full-on eating disorder.”  She also points out a shocking statistic:  women who have Type I Diabetes are 2.5 times more likely to develop an eating disorder than other women.

The higher risk put upon women with diabetes is complex, as it may be compounded by the type of treatment they need to receive to manage their condition which includes being taught to be very aware of their calorie intake and their weight throughout their lives.  Points out Dr. Goebel-Fabbri: “Somewhere this gets lost in that translation, and women who would be at risk for an eating disorder anyway develop a greater concern and a greater preoccupation with weight, along with rigid ideas about eating. It’s a slippery slope.”  And this slippery slope can turn into a deadly fall.  Once the attention to calories and weight turns into obsession, it is very difficult to climb back up that mountain.  Eating disorders not only grip our physical selves but they begin to take over our emotional state and it can feel that a consequence of diabulimia such as blindness or amputation is not as important as weight loss.

We all grow up and live every day in a diet-obsessed society that convinces us that we would be “perfect” if only we fit into the rigid ideals that are forced upon us.  For someone with diabetes, this focus on food and physical appearance is a necessity for keeping your body healthy and strong.  You must read food labels and count calories and fat — in a way that is not about taste and enjoyment, but more focused on limiting the types of foods you can eat.  Losing weight rapidly is a tell-tale first indicator that someone’s body is not digesting insulin and they might have diabetes, and it paradoxically could also be a sign of an eating disorder.  It can be very challenging to separate health from societal pressure to look a certain way — and when you have an “easy out” to getting thin and have to carefully monitor your food anyway, why not control your insulin levels?  Control is what eating disorders are all about.  

I am concerned about the growing prevalence of diabulimia — it is said to affect thousands of the 1 million women with type I diabetes.  In my opinion, it has the power to destroy lives like no other eating disorder because it is linked to a physical condition that dictates our energy levels, our bodily function, and can lead to much more serious conditions if not treated properly.

We all wanted to be famous when we were younger, right?  A ballerina? In the circus? A movie star?

When you are a movie star, athlete, politician, musician or any other type of public figure, fame comes hand in hand with the spilling of your intimate life’s details.  While there is much excitement in fame and success, unfortunately there is no privacy in it, as everyone wants to know what jewelry you’re wearing and who you are going out to dinner with — so that we can get a respite from our own stressful lives.  Fame is stressful and brings many challenges to it:  intense scrutinty on all of your choices, from morsels of food to statements made about current events.  I admit I could not handle the pressure of being in the spotlight all of the time and I empathize completely with the struggles that celebrities go through as they try to cope.  I have written blogs about the message of truth and hope that many celebrities have spoken about their own struggles with eating disorders and related issues.  I believe that when celebrities tap into the power of their fame to encourage wellness, health, and to show that they are real people just like the rest of us, they are doing a service to millions of people that is uniquely in their capability. 

Just a couple of weeks ago, Catherine Zeta-Jones opened up about her current struggle with bipolar II disorder and her decision to check herself into an inpatient facility for treatment.  She stated to the press that she “wants to take away the stigma around mental illness”, and ABC News consultant Howard Bragman hopes that Catherine’s public announcement of her condition may encourage others to seek help for their own mental health: “I think it will create a teachable moment in a dialogue among health care professionals, among normal people.”  I strongly commend Ms. Zeta-Jones for deciding to take care of her mental health — a type of health that is often discredited or pushed aside in terms of severity, attention and treatment.  However, millions of people world-wide suffer from various types of mental health conditions and there continues to be a stigma associated with admitting that there is a problem.  As a colleague recently told me, “if I had diabetes, I would go to the doctor and get treatment for it.  Why not get help for a mental health condition as well?”.

What is bipolar disorder?  Why is there a “I” and a “II”?  According to the National Institute of Mental Health, bipolar disorder, which is also referred to as manic-depressive disorder, is a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity levels, and the ability to carry out day-to-day tasks.  And while we all have ups and downs occasionally, symptoms of bipolar are “severe”, and could result in damaged relationships, poor job or school performance, and even suicide.  This is a treatable condition, affecting approximately 5.7 million adults currently.  Early signs of bipolar disorder may be intense mood swings — very low depression to a “manic” or “hypomanic” state, which refers to high levels of energy, excessive moodiness, irritability, impulsivity, or reckless behavior.  Another recent public occurence that might indicate the prevalence of bipolar are the odd, irrational, and impulsive behaviors of Charlie Sheen.

Bipolar I disorder is differentiated by more frequent mood swings from depressive to manic.  This is typically identified by manic or mixed episodes that last at least seven days, or by manic symptoms that are so severe that the person needs immediate hospital care. Usually, the person also has depressive episodes, typically lasting at least two weeks. The symptoms of mania or depression must be a major change from the person’s normal behavior.  Bipolar II disorder, which is what Ms. Zeta-Jones was diagnosed with, is defined by a pattern of depressive episodes shifting back and forth with hypomanic episodes, but no full-blown manic or mixed episodes.  Given the stresses that she has had in her life lately (her husband Michael Douglas’ very public battle with cancer, his son’s sentence to a five year prison term for dealing drugs, and Mr. Douglas’ first wife suing him for proceeds from his recent Wall Street film), it is completely understandable that she is dealing with mood swings. Doctors note a genetic component to bipolar disorder, which can be triggered by stressful and traumatic circumstances, such as those that Ms. Zeta-Jones has been facing lately.  A note:  I find it interesting that, for example, when someone like Mr. Douglas is diagnosed with a physical health concern such as cancer that this is openly grieved and addressed, whereas with a mental health condition such as bipolar there is typically more secrecy and avoidance of letting this struggle become public.

What is the cost of publicly announcing a mental health struggle? What is the benefit?  I believe these are topics that are regularly discussed among celebrities and people with lots of influence.  I hope that we can continue to embrace the normalcy of mental health issues and address the fact that most of them are treatable and can co-exist with a vibrant and happy life.  Celebrities are part of our key for raising this awareness (whether they want to or not…) and I am impressed with Ms. Zeta-Jones’ candor about her personal struggle and anticipate the advocacy that others will continue in her footsteps.

I received an invitation to a cuddle party some years ago, and I admit my first reaction was confusion mixed with a bit of skepticism.  Is it like an orgy? a rave? a combination of both?  I did not attend, but it seems that since that first interaction with the term, I have been hearing more and more about cuddle parties and their rising fame.  So, to set the record straight so that your mind doesn’t wander quite like mine did, a cuddle party is “a safe and structured workshop on boundaries, communication, intimacy, and affection.  It is a drug and alcohol-free way to meet fascinating people in a relaxed environment.”  Hmmm…..sounds suspiciously similar to the goals that I work with client to achieve in therapy.  This made me curious about the effects of cuddle parties and how they are similar/different to the outcomes in talk or other forms of therapy.

Are cuddle parties a form of therapy?  The jury is out on that one.  The official cuddle party website, which organizes cuddle parties all over the country states that “this playful and fun environment has been a place for people to rediscover non-sexual touch and affection, a space to reframe assumptions about men and women, and a great networking event to meet new people”.  The site even suggests that cuddle parties could “restore your faith in humanity”.  It seems that cuddle parties can offer a non-judgmental, open, and free space for people to let go of assumptions and physically heal through touching another person.  I like this idea, because it seems that our culture has an obsession with “having lots of space”.  Whether it is through building huge houses or driving monstrous SUVs, we appear to give off the message that “bigger is better” and “please don’t get too close”.  So, I wonder, what happens when we get THISCLOSE?

A cuddle party (also referred to as a cuddle puddle — so cute!!!) is a group experience where one-on-one pairings are referred to as “cuddlebuddy relationships”, and kissing can sometimes occur.  At each meeting, the attendees decide on the rules and regulations of that cuddle party.  These might have to do with specific forms and places of touch that might be off-limits.  Through this collective rule-setting, members can learn about setting personal and group boundaries and can experience the therapeutic powers of intimate connection without the expectation of sex.  It also can be an exercise in communication between people of all ages, backgrounds, ethnicities, socioeconomic classes, and spiritual types.

This make me wonder: when we get pleasure and joy through physical connection, how do we determine our limits, wants, needs, and hopes?  For some who have a history of a sexual trauma, being physically close with someone they do not know well could be triggering.  However, learning that intimacy can be safe and can bring peace might also be a piece of that member’s personal healing journey.  Physical intimacy certainly brings out our vulnerabilities: whether it is about body image, sexual attraction, or scars left from previous relationships, some type of sensation occurs in our physical and emotional self as we allow others to get into our personal space.  This sensation is what we must take a closer look at to determine its meaning in our lives.

As I was doing research on cuddle parties, I took note of the comments left on sites and videos featuring this innovative event.  Some commented that these were “glorified orgys” and that “they should get naked and go home” (this reminds me that cuddle party members are not naked and often wear pajamas or other comfortable clothing).  Others were “touched by the affection.  For those of us who might not have received many hugs or much affection growing up, cuddle parties offer the healing and acceptance we have been longing for”.  And the most poignant:  ”It is kind of sad.  Human beings are not getting what they need in the modern world; the sense of touch is so important”.  Sometimes we just need a hug!

What is your consensus?  If you are curious you can join a cuddle party today at the Denver Cuddle Party Meet-up.

Take a look at this YouTube video montage about the first five years of cuddle party culture.  I feel that as with every thing that might be a bit new and “different”, the more that we talk about it, educate ourselves, and open our minds, the greater rewards we can reap into our personal selves. Hug a stranger!

Have you ever heard of laughter yoga? I had not yet heard of this increasingly popular trend, but I love yoga and love to laugh, so I thought I would research it (and soon try it out) to see if it’s a positive addition to my own and my clients’ self care.  I was intrigued to discover that this type of yoga (wherein the participants ‘self-trigger’ laughter during practice) involves a physical type of laughter that is not necessarily related to humor or comedy.  What?  How could you make that happen, and what motivates you to continue laughing without an object to promote it?  I learned that the concept and exercise were developed by the Indian guru Jiten Kohi and physician Madan Kataria, respectively, and that Kataria has written a book about the subject entitled Laugh for No Reason.

The health benefits of yoga are no secret and the meditation and peace that it brings through community and practice are unique rewards of this ancient tradition.  Along the same vein, laughter has proven to be healthy in many ways.  In this sort of yoga, laughter is initiated in a group setting with engaged eye contact, a sort of childlike playfulness, and ‘laughter exercises’.  Sources say that fake laughter has no choice but to become real.  The reason behind it is that the body cannot differentiate between fake and real laughter, and so it causes your mind (which can tell the difference….up to a certain point) to become one with the body.  This brings to mind the mindfulness and body-centered exercises I am currently using in the therapy group I run, and solidifies the notion that body and mind are one. The deep breathing associated with yoga is increased and intensified with laughter yoga and facilitates a breathing rhythm that is unique to this practice.  In a chicken-or-egg conundrum, you tend to forget why you started laughing or which practice you started first, and the benefits of laughing impact us all both physically and psychologically.  Sometimes, if you are like me and can tend to focus on negative things sometimes, it may make a whole lot of sense to ‘force’ yourself to laugh and then reap the rewards that may have seemed so far-fetched and out of reach.  The laughter – and the positivity it brings – becomes contagious and more natural.  Practice makes perfect!

So who does this, and where?  I was amazed to find a ‘global movement for health, joy and peace’ at www.laughteryoga.org, where groups bring laughter to the workplace, act in shows that laugh all the way through, and go on spiritual retreats all in the name of laughter yoga –all around the world!  More locally, I found Denver Laughs, where I learned that there are more than 125 Certified Laughter Yoga Leaders in the Denver area!  This organization describes laughter yoga as ‘a body-mind combination of simple laughter exercises, deep breathing and relaxation techniques from Hatha yoga to enhance health and happiness.”  It states that it is a grassroots movement that has more than 600,000 members worldwide.  There are clubs in every part of Denver and the metro area that do plays, ‘happy hours’ and other laughingly fun events.  There is even a Denver laughter yoga meet-up group!

On my search I also found the American School of Laughter Yoga where you can become a Certified Laughter Yoga Leader or do professional development classes.  In light of all of the dreary and dismal news reports (and yes, I know many of my blogs are about these types of subjects), I am excited to find this happy-to-laugh movement that combines mental health and physical health in an effort to promote peace and wellness.  We all could laugh a bit more, don’t you think?

Happy New Year from Kate Daigle Counseling!  It has been a wonderful year and we wish you all a healthy, safe, and bright 2011!  Stay warm and hug the ones you love ~

Kate

I will be taking a week off from my blog for the holidays.  I will resume writing on Thursday, December 30th.

Happy holidays!!  I wish you and yours a restful, joyous, and peaceful holiday!

We had a little fun at the Open House, with a “new counselor” taking the chair…

He sure is wise!

Kate Daigle Counseling had its Open House yesterday, November 7th, and it was a invigorating and rewarding day for the practice!  I want to extend a personal thank-you to all that attended and showed support.

Here are a few pictures from the event:

Kate and her friend Roger

Friends and family checking out Kate Daigle Counseling’s brochures…

So grateful for all of the support!

Other pictures of the office can be found on all of the pages of Kate Daigle Counseling’s website.

Upcoming events with Kate Daigle Counseling:

-Blog post topics: Surviving the emotional roller coaster of the holidays; PTSD, mental health and War Veterans; the implications of the FREED Act; helping children of divorce cope; the mystery and debates over Autism; the healing presence of animals in therapy; radical acceptance; the stages of grief; men and eating disorders; unlocking the reasons that drive self-harming behaviors; and many more! Please write to me with new ideas that you would like me to write about in my blogs.

-COMING IN DECEMBER! Body-centered therapy group, held weekly at the office of Kate Daigle Counseling.  More information about this will be coming out VERY soon so please keep your eyes open!

-Seminars in schools, recreation centers, and with parent groups: Kate offers talks about the symptoms of eating disorders, some of the causes, and how you can help a child/parent/friend/family member who might be dealing with an eating disorder or other form of emotionally destructive eating pattern.

Thank you for your support of Kate Daigle Counseling!!